How God Saved Me

Sorry it has been a while since I've posted.  I have been working on purging stuff from my house and I misplaced my journal with my thoughts and notes in it.  I got a little scared for a while.  I had taken a lot of books down to the church rummage sale and I was praying HARD that it wasn't in there.  So where were we before the tangent about the nightmares and dreams?   Ah yes… coming home!   Yes you can come home.  No matter how far you've strayed.  I realized that he was always there.  He never left me.  He never stopped loving me.  Then the questions started again.  Who am I now?  I can't be who I was.  I had lost my identity in many ways.  At times it was great.  I would catch myself looking at the geese in a pond, the night  sky full of stars, or the first snow of the year like a little kid seeing them for the first time.  Absolutely in awe of the things He had created and the beauty I s...

I've told you about the nightmares.  I guess it's only fair that I also tell you about the amazing dreams that God has given me.   I know the dreams that He sends me because they are much more vivid than my regular dreams and I remember them clearly… the parts He wants me to anyway.  I'll explain that later.   The first dream I remember being in a corn field after the harvest.  I was franticly running around picking up little pieces of something that were spread all over the ground.  When my hands would get full I would run over and set them on a table and then back out into the field to look for more pieces.  When I set the pieces on the table the second time I noticed that the first batch of pieces were no longer there.  I looked up and saw a man taking the pieces from the table and putting them on an easel.  I then turned and ran back to the field and continued my hunt.  After many trips I returned to the table with the final pie...

Like I said, the enemy doesn't give up without a fight.   But God used the opportunity to teach me how to fight back. When I was turning back to God and started praying again, I started having terrible nightmares.  They would all start as normal dreams and then they would take an evil twist.   Nothing was what it seemed.  There are two that I remember more than others and I think that is because of what happened after each of these.   The first one started out in a house with a mother, father, sister, myself and a baby.  I believed in the dream that they were my family and this adorable child was my own.  I came down stairs with the baby.  It started to cry.  As it was crying it was like my eyes were opened and I could see what this happy-looking life really was.  The child in my arms turned out to be a demon.  I ran, crying, to the kitchen where my parents were.   When I entered the room they all seemed like they were possesse...

Who Am I?  I'm nobody! I'm worthless!  How can you still love me after everything?   You'd think that when the Lord and Savior opens his hands and heart and welcomes you home that you would accept it without question and with excitement.   Well, when the enemy has been in your head for as long as it had me it isn't that easy.  It's hard to even trust God.  You think things like:  Why would you wait for me?  Are you going to punish me now?  Why would you want someone as worthless and broken as I am? And so many others.   Do any of these sound familiar?   Instead of getting answers I felt like all I got was more questions.  And the enemy doesn't give up easily.  The more I tried to find the answers the louder he got in my head.    I had a lot of long hard talks with God over the next month and sometimes I would get answers and sometimes I would get more questions.  But two things happened that really open...

Let me set the scene for you… I had been in a relationship for 12 years… because he loved me.  I should have learned my lesson right?  'Then how did you last so long?' you may ask.  I had put up enough walls to make myself very independent.  The relationship pretty much creeped up on me .  We had met through some friends and we got together a few times.  He was a truck driver so he was only around on weekends, which was fine by me.  If you think about it we were really only together about 3 1/2 years.  Still would have been my longest relationship. Anyway, little by little he started moving in and I didn't even really notice it until he started moving my stuff so there was room for his.  Oh well, who cares. No I was not in love with him.  I cared for him in a good friend kinda way.   I still didn't know how to love myself, let alone anyone else.  Every relationship I had up to this point was either mentally, emotionally, o...

To understand how I was saved I guess I first need to tell you  where I started. I'm a cradle Catholic so I have known God my whole life.  I went to church every week and attended Sunday school.  But life happens. I come from a typical large Catholic family.  I have great parents and I love all my big brothers.  Sounds like a perfect childhood huh?  But the darkness was working against me from a young age. At the age of 7 I was molested by a member of the extended family.  At first I thought what he was doing was wrong, but when it kept happening I started thinking that there must be something wrong with me. I never told anyone because I was afraid, then I felt guilty because I thought it was my fault.   The darkness in my heart toward him was so bad that when he died many years later I didn't go to his funeral because I was afraid I would dance on his grave.  Just being honest y'all.  I know it makes me sound bad but at the tim...