Lesson Two - Identity

Sorry it has been a while since I've posted.  I have been working on purging stuff from my house and I misplaced my journal with my thoughts and notes in it.  I got a little scared for a while.  I had taken a lot of books down to the church rummage sale and I was praying HARD that it wasn't in there. 

So where were we before the tangent about the nightmares and dreams?   Ah yes… coming home!

 

Yes you can come home.  No matter how far you've strayed.  I realized that he was always there.  He never left me.  He never stopped loving me. 

Then the questions started again.  Who am I now?  I can't be who I was.  I had lost my identity in many ways.  At times it was great.  I would catch myself looking at the geese in a pond, the night  sky full of stars, or the first snow of the year like a little kid seeing them for the first time.  Absolutely in awe of the things He had created and the beauty I saw in things I never even noticed before.  Other times it was terrifying.  I noticed that people that I thought were my friends didn't like the change in me because I would no longer … um … give them what they wanted. 

They were toxic, one-sided relationships.  They  were only my friends because of what they could get from me (and I'm not talking only about sex).  They would take advantage of my big heart and generous nature.  Funny how, through everything, I still had those traits, although well hidden from most.  I guess some gifts God gives us can't even be choked out by the deep dark places.  Anyway, these so called friends started to drift away.  Some of them at full sprint.  A few stuck around for a little while to see if I would give up the 'new me' but eventually they turned their backs on me too.  It really hurt at first.  The pain of feeling like they were abandoning me when I really needed my friends.  But they never loved me or respected me.  How could they when I had no love or respect for myself.

  

Here's a little word of advice… You teach people how to treat you.  If someone treats you like dirt and you find yourself apologizing for things that were not your fault, or telling someone 'It's ok' when they have hurt you… You have just told them that it is OK for them to treat you like that.  And guess what, they will keep treating you like that.

  The eye opener here was a conversation I had with someone that did stick by me.  We were supposed to go to a concert in the park.  We weren't dating we were just friends.  He baled on me at the last minute.  Later he let it slip while we were on the phone that he had gone to the concert with someone else.  I was really hurt, and it was obvious.  Here was how the conversation went:

 

Ted: Are you alright?

Me:  I'm fine.

Ted:  I can tell by your voice you aren't fine

Me:  It hurts, but it's OK.

Ted:  How can it be OK if I hurt you?

 

WOW!!!  No one had ever felt bad about hurting me before.   It made me realize how many times I have had that same conversation and how many times I have apologized to someone for something they did.  How crazy is that?!

It is ok to let someone know that they have hurt you and that it is not ok.  But you can still forgive them... Hopefully after they apologize 

Ok, back on track...

It was about Christmas time and I was at the bookstore getting some last minute gifts.  I decided that I would get a little gift for myself.  I hadn't replaced my bible since we had our fire.  Never thought about it because I hadn't read it in a very long time anyway.  But I needed some answers and that was where I needed to start looking.  I walked over to the Bible section and just stood there.  I never realized there were so many different versions.  I was completely overwhelmed.  I even tried to ask God for help but I think this was a decision He wanted me to make.  I left without one, almost in tears.  When I got home I shot a text off to Joe, telling him not to laugh at me. I told him what happened, and asked him if he would help me.  He told me about an app that he had and I now have it on every electronic device I have.  It took me a little time to decide which version I liked but I really like that I can switch between different versions to see the different interpretations.

Here is the link:

https://www.youversion.com/the-bible-app/

They have a lot of reading plans.  I have now read through about 200 of them I think.  All depending on what I am dealing with or what lesson He was trying to teach me at the time.  Some I've read they more than once.

There are a few that I read during this lesson.  I noticed that there were several scriptures that kept coming up :

Long ago the Lord said to Israel: " I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.  With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself" (Jeremiah 31:3)

I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

I have been saved and set apart according to God’s doing. (2 Timothy 1:9; Titus 3:5)

I have been redeemed and forgiven, and I am a recipient of His lavish grace. I have been made alive together with Christ. (Ephesians 2:5)

It would take quite a while before I really started to figure out who I am now but He's still not done with me.  I am a work in progress.  He has a plan for my life.  I just needed to find the patience and do the work He needed me to do.  Which leads us to Lesson 3.