The Darkness
To understand how I was saved I guess I first need to tell you where I started.
I'm a cradle Catholic so I have known God my whole life. I went to church every week and attended Sunday school. But life happens.
I come from a typical large Catholic family. I have great parents and I love all my big brothers. Sounds like a perfect childhood huh? But the darkness was working against me from a young age.
At the age of 7 I was molested by a member of the extended family. At first I thought what he was doing was wrong, but when it kept happening I started thinking that there must be something wrong with me.
I never told anyone because I was afraid, then I felt guilty because I thought it was my fault. The darkness in my heart toward him was so bad that when he died many years later I didn't go to his funeral because I was afraid I would dance on his grave. Just being honest y'all. I know it makes me sound bad but at the time I had no forgiveness in my heart for him. How do you forgive people for unforgivable things? We'll get there.
I was told many times growing up that i was fat, ugly, stupid, etc. I'll put it this way, if you've heard the song 'Fear is a Liar' by Zach Williams, I believed every word about myself. If you haven't heard it, I'll add a link at the end.
I'm going to try to make this much shorter that it is in my head or this is going to get way too long.
My self esteem was very low. I didn't date much in high school, not because i didn't want to but most guys either knew me as a tomboy and didn't see me that way or they were scared of my brothers. Anyway when I joined the military after high school I suddenly started getting a lot more attention.
I dated a few guys but when they started getting more physical and I said no they usually disappeared. You see, I was still a virgin. Then I dated a guy that didn't take no for an answer. If that wasn't bad enough, when I went to the MPs to report it, they pretty much blamed me. As far as I know they never even filled a report because I never heard another word. Except the fact that he was bragging about it. That was not the only time I was a victim of rape but i think we'll just lump them all right here. Can you feel the darkness?
It was quite a while before I dated again. I really liked this one. So when things got physical, I didn't want him to disappear too. Guess what. It wasn't long after that he disappeared too.
Then I met someone that said they loved me and even asked me to marry him. So I said yes. Not because I loved him, but because he asked me. Not a good reason to get married. It only lasted a few years.
I dated some more but it was always the same. All they wanted from me was sex. It must be me right? That must be all I'm good enough for. Getting darker!
I eventually stopped caring, stopped feeling. I had nothing left. All those things I thought about myself must be true. I hated myself. Who I was, everything I'd done. You see, when you feel like sex is all your good enough for you use it. I was unable to have a normal healthy relationship.
The enemy had won. He had built this huge wall between me and God and I didn't see any way back. All I could see was darkness. There was a time I considered ending it all. The only thing that kept me here was my child. My one miracle! Or so I thought...
Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams
https://youtu.be/sQTnREEtuNk
@zachwilliamsmusic. Thank you for this song. I sing it at the top of my lungs everyone i hear it... In the car that is.
I'm a cradle Catholic so I have known God my whole life. I went to church every week and attended Sunday school. But life happens.
I come from a typical large Catholic family. I have great parents and I love all my big brothers. Sounds like a perfect childhood huh? But the darkness was working against me from a young age.
At the age of 7 I was molested by a member of the extended family. At first I thought what he was doing was wrong, but when it kept happening I started thinking that there must be something wrong with me.
I never told anyone because I was afraid, then I felt guilty because I thought it was my fault. The darkness in my heart toward him was so bad that when he died many years later I didn't go to his funeral because I was afraid I would dance on his grave. Just being honest y'all. I know it makes me sound bad but at the time I had no forgiveness in my heart for him. How do you forgive people for unforgivable things? We'll get there.
I was told many times growing up that i was fat, ugly, stupid, etc. I'll put it this way, if you've heard the song 'Fear is a Liar' by Zach Williams, I believed every word about myself. If you haven't heard it, I'll add a link at the end.
I'm going to try to make this much shorter that it is in my head or this is going to get way too long.
My self esteem was very low. I didn't date much in high school, not because i didn't want to but most guys either knew me as a tomboy and didn't see me that way or they were scared of my brothers. Anyway when I joined the military after high school I suddenly started getting a lot more attention.
I dated a few guys but when they started getting more physical and I said no they usually disappeared. You see, I was still a virgin. Then I dated a guy that didn't take no for an answer. If that wasn't bad enough, when I went to the MPs to report it, they pretty much blamed me. As far as I know they never even filled a report because I never heard another word. Except the fact that he was bragging about it. That was not the only time I was a victim of rape but i think we'll just lump them all right here. Can you feel the darkness?
It was quite a while before I dated again. I really liked this one. So when things got physical, I didn't want him to disappear too. Guess what. It wasn't long after that he disappeared too.
Then I met someone that said they loved me and even asked me to marry him. So I said yes. Not because I loved him, but because he asked me. Not a good reason to get married. It only lasted a few years.
I dated some more but it was always the same. All they wanted from me was sex. It must be me right? That must be all I'm good enough for. Getting darker!
I eventually stopped caring, stopped feeling. I had nothing left. All those things I thought about myself must be true. I hated myself. Who I was, everything I'd done. You see, when you feel like sex is all your good enough for you use it. I was unable to have a normal healthy relationship.
The enemy had won. He had built this huge wall between me and God and I didn't see any way back. All I could see was darkness. There was a time I considered ending it all. The only thing that kept me here was my child. My one miracle! Or so I thought...
Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams
https://youtu.be/sQTnREEtuNk
@zachwilliamsmusic. Thank you for this song. I sing it at the top of my lungs everyone i hear it... In the car that is.
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