The Turnaround
Let me set the scene for you…
I had been in a relationship for 12 years… because he loved me. I should have learned my lesson right? 'Then how did you last so long?' you may ask. I had put up enough walls to make myself very independent. The relationship pretty much creeped up on me . We had met through some friends and we got together a few times. He was a truck driver so he was only around on weekends, which was fine by me. If you think about it we were really only together about 3 1/2 years. Still would have been my longest relationship.
Anyway, little by little he started moving in and I didn't even really notice it until he started moving my stuff so there was room for his. Oh well, who cares.
No I was not in love with him. I cared for him in a good friend kinda way. I still didn't know how to love myself, let alone anyone else. Every relationship I had up to this point was either mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive… or a combination of them.
One day I just felt like I needed to find something. I had no idea what. I knew I wasn't happy. I couldn't remember what it felt like to be happy. I was just existing.
I had a friend out in Salt Lake City. Ed was a good friend. We had become very close. Platonically! Besides the distance, he is married. I don't play in other people's back yards. I did have some boundaries. We did flirt and at times got a little too close to that fence but we were both loyal. His wife was getting upset about our friendship and I told him to do what he had to do. I haven't talked to him since.
I did feel something for the first time in a very long time. I knew then that I wasn't where I wanted to be. I needed something. I had no idea what, but something. I just knew I wanted to be alive again. I wanted to feel again.
I ended the relationship I was in. We are still friends. I did allow him to stay when he was in town until he could find a place. Nothing happened between us but he was there. I probably should have cut it off clean (he still has stuff in my garage and it's been over 5 years now.) I'm just too nice.
I decided to try one of those dating sites. Talked to a few people, most wanted a hook up. Snagged me some scammers, they were fun to see how long I could talk to them before they finally tried their scam. And if I was talking to them that was one less person they can scam.
I could probably write an article on how to spot one. It's really not hard when you are as cynical as I was.
I believe God had been waiting for just this opportunity… Enter the old childhood crush. Actually, he was my first big crush.
I connected with ... Joe... on a dating app. I was so excited. We arranged or first date. Dinner and a movie at his place. I couldn't wait to see him . The evening was going great and then I screwed it up. Yep. I went to what I knew. What I thought was love. From then on it became the same as every other relationship... physical only. From that moment on that was all he saw me as. I was no longer a person but a thing. We'll talk more about Joe later. God used him quite a bit during my education.
God used my feelings for Joe to His advantage. You see Joe made me want to be better than what I was. Better than who I was. Joe was a man of faith. For the first time in a very very long time I found a glimmer of hope.
Could I be forgiven? Could I really come home? Would God accept me again?
Suddenly it seemed like everywhere I looked I saw this scripture...
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
After a while I began to wonder if there was a reason for that. Maybe God was trying to tell me something. Slowly I turned around. Afraid of seeing the disappointment in His eyes. Worse yet that I had waited too long and He had already given up on me. There He was with his arms open wide with nothing but love for me. He didn't reject me as I feared He would. He welcomed me home.
Thank you Lord for always loving me and never giving up on me! Thank you for leaving the 99 to come for me, your lost black sheep.
I had been in a relationship for 12 years… because he loved me. I should have learned my lesson right? 'Then how did you last so long?' you may ask. I had put up enough walls to make myself very independent. The relationship pretty much creeped up on me . We had met through some friends and we got together a few times. He was a truck driver so he was only around on weekends, which was fine by me. If you think about it we were really only together about 3 1/2 years. Still would have been my longest relationship.
Anyway, little by little he started moving in and I didn't even really notice it until he started moving my stuff so there was room for his. Oh well, who cares.
No I was not in love with him. I cared for him in a good friend kinda way. I still didn't know how to love myself, let alone anyone else. Every relationship I had up to this point was either mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive… or a combination of them.
One day I just felt like I needed to find something. I had no idea what. I knew I wasn't happy. I couldn't remember what it felt like to be happy. I was just existing.
I had a friend out in Salt Lake City. Ed was a good friend. We had become very close. Platonically! Besides the distance, he is married. I don't play in other people's back yards. I did have some boundaries. We did flirt and at times got a little too close to that fence but we were both loyal. His wife was getting upset about our friendship and I told him to do what he had to do. I haven't talked to him since.
I did feel something for the first time in a very long time. I knew then that I wasn't where I wanted to be. I needed something. I had no idea what, but something. I just knew I wanted to be alive again. I wanted to feel again.
I ended the relationship I was in. We are still friends. I did allow him to stay when he was in town until he could find a place. Nothing happened between us but he was there. I probably should have cut it off clean (he still has stuff in my garage and it's been over 5 years now.) I'm just too nice.
I decided to try one of those dating sites. Talked to a few people, most wanted a hook up. Snagged me some scammers, they were fun to see how long I could talk to them before they finally tried their scam. And if I was talking to them that was one less person they can scam.
I could probably write an article on how to spot one. It's really not hard when you are as cynical as I was.
I believe God had been waiting for just this opportunity… Enter the old childhood crush. Actually, he was my first big crush.
I connected with ... Joe... on a dating app. I was so excited. We arranged or first date. Dinner and a movie at his place. I couldn't wait to see him . The evening was going great and then I screwed it up. Yep. I went to what I knew. What I thought was love. From then on it became the same as every other relationship... physical only. From that moment on that was all he saw me as. I was no longer a person but a thing. We'll talk more about Joe later. God used him quite a bit during my education.
God used my feelings for Joe to His advantage. You see Joe made me want to be better than what I was. Better than who I was. Joe was a man of faith. For the first time in a very very long time I found a glimmer of hope.
Could I be forgiven? Could I really come home? Would God accept me again?
Suddenly it seemed like everywhere I looked I saw this scripture...
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
After a while I began to wonder if there was a reason for that. Maybe God was trying to tell me something. Slowly I turned around. Afraid of seeing the disappointment in His eyes. Worse yet that I had waited too long and He had already given up on me. There He was with his arms open wide with nothing but love for me. He didn't reject me as I feared He would. He welcomed me home.
Thank you Lord for always loving me and never giving up on me! Thank you for leaving the 99 to come for me, your lost black sheep.
And so the lessons began...
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