Lesson One - Acceptance

Who Am I?  I'm nobody! I'm worthless!  How can you still love me after everything?

 

You'd think that when the Lord and Savior opens his hands and heart and welcomes you home that you would accept it without question and with excitement.   Well, when the enemy has been in your head for as long as it had me it isn't that easy.  It's hard to even trust God. 

You think things like:  Why would you wait for me?  Are you going to punish me now?  Why would you want someone as worthless and broken as I am? And so many others.

 

Do any of these sound familiar?

 

Instead of getting answers I felt like all I got was more questions.  And the enemy doesn't give up easily.  The more I tried to find the answers the louder he got in my head. 

 

I had a lot of long hard talks with God over the next month and sometimes I would get answers and sometimes I would get more questions.  But two things happened that really opened things up for me.

The first, on a trip to SLC for a conference, and to get to hang out with my friend Ed, my plans hit a huge roadblock.  The day we were supposed to hang out before the conference started there was a storm.  I got a text from Ed saying that his roof had leaked and set off the fire alarms and he had to get the roof fixed and the attic dried out and etc.  Anyway it meant that going out there 2 days early was a bust and I wouldn't get to see my friend. 

Journaling has always been a good way for me to work through problems, emotions,  and whatever.  I had taken a new journal out there with me to do just that and thought with all this me time on my hands I might as well put it to good use.  But as I laid there on the bed in my hotel room I just had more questions.  I decided to go for a walk.  I left my phone in my room because I didn't want more bad news.  I took a little cash in case I got hungry and headed out.  I don't know how long I walked, but on the way back I found this little public garden.  It was very pretty with a beautiful fountain and benches.  I decided to take a seat for a bit.  I wasn't ready to go back yet. 

Out of nowhere this older woman came over to me and said she had seen me sitting here and thought I looked a little lost.  Yes, I was definitely lost.  Then she asked if she could pray with me.  I told her I would like that.  So the two of us sat by the fountain and silently prayed together.  Not sure how long we sat there but eventually she got up and said it was going to rain so she'd better get going.  It was time for me to head back too.  By the time I reached down to pick up the bag from my food that I had gotten she was gone. 

As I walked back to my hotel it started raining.  Not hard but enough.  I noticed as I walked back that I seemed to feel better.  Thinking about the lady and the garden and how peaceful I felt there.  That peace was still with me.  The rain felt good, like it was washing off all of the walls and barriers and garbage that I had been carrying around with me. 

By the time I got back to my hotel I probably looked like a drowned rat.  I stopped at the little store for some hot chocolate (a few paper towel thanks to the nice guy behind the counter) and some fruit.  I wondered back up to my room, changed into some dry clothes,

finished my hot chocolate, and laid back on the bed with my journal.  This time the words came much easier.  I easily wrote over 20 pages.  So many answers and I was finally feeling like I was able to let down the barriers that had been holding me back.

I sent a text to my friend Joe, and told him about my walk, the garden, and the kind lady that prayed with me.  I told him that I don't know where she came from, but to me she was an angel sent from heaven.

The second one I'll tell you about next week.  I think this is enough for now.